Astilbe
by olympicmayhem
Summary: Memories remind her of the painful reality. Kairi sees his phantom everywhere she goes, a reminder that he's not with her. A certain plant she saw in Radiant Garden helps her cope with her guilt.


**A/N: **Happens before the events of Pink Carnations.

**Disclaimer: **Kingdom Hearts is not mine.

* * *

Kairi sits up on her bed and rubs the sleep from her eyes. She lets out a little yawn. She had another dream of Sora, one when she and him and Riku were young. It had been a happy memory, days of innocence where the only thing that worries them was how they were going to get on the island to play.

She sees him every night in her dreams. In her dreams, they were okay. But Kairi knows that reality isn't as kind to her. She knows that when she opens her eyes, he would fade away like a distant memory. And more than once she wishes she would never wake up.

But she owes every waking moment to Sora, and she knows that the only thing she can do right now is to live for the both of them. To be back home with their friends. To be happy. Sora would have wanted that for her. He always did think of others before him. It was the reason why he wasn't here with her in the first place.

And it's not like her mind doesn't like to remind her of what she's missing. Otherwise, it wouldn't conjure the Sora she now sees standing beside her bed grinning, his arms crossed behind his back. She sighs, lips forming a sad smile. Of course her own mind wouldn't let her forget. It was her fault he disappeared in the first place.

At first she thought he was back and she had cried in relief. Sora's back. Everything is fine again. As she tried to touch him however, her hand slipped and Sora faded away. That was when she thought she was probably going crazy. Why else would she see Sora when he's gone?

She shook her head, telling herself that Sora wouldn't want to see her like this; he wouldn't want her to blame herself for what happened. She finally stands up. The phantom doesn't disappear. It just stays there and watches her as she starts her day. Kairi tries hard to ignore it.

* * *

Selphie would often ask her how she's doing. She's been doing it a lot more lately and it's starting to tire the princess out. She's thankful her friend is genuinely worried about her well-being, but it's not like she isn't functioning well. In fact, Kairi prides herself in being able to act like nothing's tearing her up from the inside.

Selphie also doesn't know what happened to Sora. Riku was able to come up with a lie convincing enough for Tidus, Wakka, and her brunette friend to believe (she wasn't listening at the time. Her shock and grief blocking her from hearing the entire exchange). She would sometimes wonder how he's doing. Kairi's eyes turn a dull shade every time but she tries to sound upbeat as she replies. Sora's phantom laughs every time. She tries to ignore it.

* * *

She tries to avoid the island as much as possible. There were too many memories of Sora there (there were too many memories of him everywhere but Kairi finds it harder to be in the island) and she's afraid the phantom would have more power over her on that island. She mostly keeps to the mainland, and whenever one of her friends ask her to go with them to that island, she always makes some excuse. Her friends notice this of course.

"C'mon, Kairi. You haven't been hanging out with us a lot lately!" Tidus complained. "What, are you getting tired of us?"

Kairi's eyes went wide and she vehemently shook her head. Get tired? Never. She loves her friends too much.

"Then why does it feel like you've been avoiding us lately?" Wakka asks. Kairi bites the inside of her cheeks. Behind Wakka, phantom Sora snickered, rubbing his nose.

"I really just have a lot of stuff to catch up on!" She says, hoping to sound convincing. "You know I've been gone for a really long time, right?" Her three friends nod in unison. She continued. "A lot happened while I was gone and I just want to be caught up with everything."

"Well… if you say so," Selphie said slowly, still not fully convinced. "But don't be a stranger."

Kairi gives her a smile. The phantom gives her a thumbs up.

* * *

_She was in the Final World. Xehanort had just struck her with his Keyblade. She remembered pain, fear that she would never see her friends again. And then she saw the vast sky and endless ocean._

_She doesn't know how long she walked around. There was no way of telling how long she's been there. Time doesn't exist there. She could have been gone for years for all she knew. And then she heard someone. The voice was warbled, like whoever it was trying to speak underwater. She started running. _

_The voice was getting clearer. She was getting near, she could feel it. She felt the person's strong, familiar presence. Who could it be…?_

"_Kairi!" That voice was painfully familiar. It could only belong to one person…_

"_Sora!" She called out. What is he doing here? She ran faster. _

"_Kairi!" He called her out again. She could see him. A silhouette. Blinding light. _

_Suddenly she was back in Destiny Islands. Riku was there, running up to her, relief evident on his face. _

"_Kairi! You're back!" He stopped in front of her, grinning. "Sora did it!"_

_He looked around in search of the brunet, relief turning into confusion as he sees no sign of his energetic best friend. "Where's Sora?" _

Kairi opened her eyes and sat up. Pain and guilt wracked her body as she covered her mouth to muffle the sobs. Outside, the first rays of light break out from the horizon, casting her bedroom in half-light.

At the corner of her room, Sora's phantom continued to smile, free from worry. She wanted to scream at it, tell it to leave her alone, to throw stuff at it in hopes it would disappear. Instead, she buries her face in her hands and continued to cry.

* * *

It was Riku who could understand her best; Riku who also lost his best friend. Kairi sometimes wonders if he blames her for losing Sora the same way she does, but she dismisses the thought. She knows Riku far too well. If anything, she was sure Riku was blaming himself for everything. It was silly, really. It wasn't Riku's fault she got taken by Xemnas (again). It wasn't his fault she was so weak.

"How are you feeling?" Riku asks beside her. They were at Riku's mother's garden, tending to her carnations. His friend's mother invited her to come, worried for her well-being. She could be just as insightful as her son.

She could feel Riku's gaze on her, boring right into her soul. She tried for a smile. She knew she could never lie to him.

"Take a guess," she says instead. Riku shakes his head.

"How bad?"

"You wouldn't believe it." They walked over to his mother's red carnations. The phantom walked a little ways ahead of her, his arms crossed behind his head.

"Try me," Riku challenged, plucking a dying carnation from its roots. Kairi was silent for a while, watching the leaves move against the wind.

"I can see him everywhere," she finally says softly. Riku looked at her, silver brows furrowed in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

Kairi glanced at the phantom. As usual, he just smiles back at her.

"My mind," she starts explaining. "It conjured this phantom of him. It doesn't do anything, just smiles and follows me around." She lets out a short chuckle. "I must be going crazy."

Riku was silent for awhile, unable to come up with a response. Was her guilt too much her mind finally conjured visual hallucinations of him? His green eyes trained on her, meeting her fractured gaze.

"Kairi, what happened wasn't your fault," he tells her slowly, trying to pin every single word to her. "None of us blames you for it. We both know how Sora is. He's always running off saving people, isn't he? Even total strangers."

"Maybe if I wasn't so weak," Kairi sobbed, finally letting out tears. "Maybe if I was strong enough to fend for myself, none of this would've happened. He would be here with us, picking dead flowers. All that training and I'm still so useless."

"No." Riku replied sternly. "You were the one who saved him, guided him from darkness with your light. None of us could do it, Kairi. Only you can do it. You're his light. You've always been his light." He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, squeezes it a little. "Besides, Sora isn't gone. He'll come back to us. You'll see."

Kairi gave him a watery smile, some of the weigh she's been carrying being lifted off her chest. It took her some time but she finally calmed down enough to talk again.

"Riku, thank you."

Riku smiled back.

* * *

_Kairi watches as Sora plasters plastic stars on the ceiling. _

"_Be careful, Sora!" she calls out worriedly. Sora glanced down at her and grinned that toothy grin._

"_Don't worry, Kairi! I'll be fine!" _

_Sora finishes the taping all of them soon, and he climbed down the ladder. He ran towards the switch._

"_Kairi, look up!" _

_He turned the lights off and the stars began to glow. Kairi watched in awe. _

"_Amazing!" She exclaimed. "It's like having your own galaxy inside your bedroom!" _

_Sora stood beside her, craning his neck up to look at the ceiling. _

"_Riku told me that each star is a different world, and that one day he and I will explore all of them!" _

_Kairi turned her attention to Sora. _

"_Can I go with you guys?" _

_Sora grinned at her._

"_Of course! We're going to find your world too! You and me and Riku. One day, we're going to explore the worlds. And Riku and I will protect you. That's a promise." _

_Then the dream strayed from memory. _

"_So stop blaming yourself. I was just fulfilling my promise." _

_A lump formed in her throat. _

"_I'll come back to you, I promise. Until then, you have to be happy. For me." _

Kairi woke up. Beside her, the phantom smiled, standing just beside her bed, as if it was keeping guard over her.

"Sora," she whispered.

* * *

Riku asked her to accompany him to Radiant Garden for a special mission. The gummi ship he borrowed from the King was already waiting for them on the island. She tried to block out the memories as they walk. The phantom walks behind them.

"So what's this special mission?" Kairi asked as they boarded the ship. Riku's green eyes turned somber.

"An unfinished business," he informs her, taking the wheel. "The Replica also has someone he wants to protect. I'm just coming to fetch her in his stead." He turned to look at her, grinning. "C'mon, you gotta smile. You know this ship runs on smiles, right?"

Kairi chuckled, nodding. "Right."

It turns out the special mission was Naminé. Ansem the Wise, with the help of Even and Ienzo, were trying to bring her Nobody back with the help of the replica body Riku was able to attain after his fight with a Riku Replica.

As they walk the steps towards the castle, she can't help but look around. This was her home world, where she lived with her grandmother, before she got to Destiny Islands. Her memories from her time before Destiny Islands are still hazy, but she remembers playing in the same garden she and Riku are walking out now. The flowers there are all in full bloom, dancing against the soft breeze. Amongst the many flowers, one stands out to her the most. There, in the middle of all those dandelions, dark pink flowers grow. Instead of walking towards the garden, Kairi, turned left towards those flowers, watching her step so as not to trample anything. Riku notices this.

"Kairi?" He called out. What was she doing?

Kairi doesn't answer, stopping instead in front of those flowers. A sudden memory flashed by her, of a time she and her grandma strolled through these gardens. Her friend stops beside her.

"My grandma told me these flowers are called astilbe," she says, plucking one and admiring it. "Do you know what they mean?"

Riku shook his head, silent, waiting for Kairi to continue.

"They mean 'I'll wait for you.'" Kairi whipped her head to look at Riku. "Did you know? Sora visited me in my dream the other night. He told me to wait for him."

Riku chuckled. "Sounds like a very Sora thing to do." Kairi nodded in agreement, her grip on the flower tightened.

"You're right. Beating myself up over what happened in the past wouldn't do anything to bring Sora back. No more acting. This time, I'm really going to be happy. For me and for Sora."

Riku nodded. She was finally starting to move on. The Kairi he knew and once loved is finally coming back. He silently thanked Sora.

* * *

Kairi stands in front of Sora's home. She hasn't been there ever since she came back, ever since Sora disappeared. Just the thought of seeing his mother terrifies her. Kairi wouldn't know what to do if his mother blames her for her son's disappearance. But her road to recovery wouldn't be complete if she continues to actively avoid memories of Sora. She takes a deep breath. Sora's phantom smiles at her encouragingly. She raised her hand, rapped on the door three times, and waited.

The door opened, revealing Sora's mother. It's amazing just how much he looks just like her mother, from the brown hair to the eyes. It almost made Kairi cry. His mother smiled at her. Unable to meet her eyes, Kairi turned her gaze down, suddenly finding her shoes very interesting.

"Kairi! It's been a long time!" His mother exclaimed. Kairi nodded a little. "Why don't you come in?" She stepped aside to let the teen inside.

The house didn't change. Pictures of her only son cover the walls, some of them rest on countertops. There were a few of them with her and Riku, grinning in front of the camera, the sea glinting behind them. Sora's mother led her to the living room then went to get snacks in the kitchen. Kairi sat down. A picture of Sora and his family greeted him from the coffee table. The phantom stood beside her.

Sora's mother came back with a plate of cookies and placed it on the coffee table. She sat down beside her, the two of them falling into uncomfortable silence. Kairi stared at her hands.

"So," the older woman finally started. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," she replies, still unable to look at the woman. Sora's mother offered her a cookie and she took it, mumbling a thank you.

"Why are you here Kairi?" Sora's mother asked with a sigh and Kairi gave her a sideways glance, the cookie still in her hand. She fumbled for words.

"I-I guess I came here to… apologize," she was finally able to get out. The older woman looked at her in confusion.

"Apologize for what, dear?"

Kairi stared at the photo on the table as she answers. "For Sora."

Everything fell into place. Why she hasn't seen the teenager ever since she got back. What she heard from Riku about her. She was blaming herself for what happened to her son. Sora's mother pulled Kairi into a hug. The younger girl yelped in surprise.

"It's okay, dear. It's not your fault. Nobody blames you. I don't blame you. He wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

The words struck Kairi deep in the heart and she finally lets out the sob she's been trying to keep. She hugged the other woman back as she cried, Sora's mother's arms providing her comfort. It was one thing to hear the words from Riku. It was an entirely different thing to hear it from his own mother. Kairi spilled everything to her. Radiant Garden. Ansem. Castle Oblivion. Xemnas. Her training. The war. How she was powerless against her captor. Being sliced from the back with Xehanort's Keyblade. The Final World, and how she heard Sora's voice, calling out her name.

She told her about her dreams and her nightmares. Her struggles with guilt. Pretending that everything's fine in front of her friends. Her fear that Sora's mother would blame her for everything. She tells her about the phantom and how even now, it stands there, giving her a smile. Finally, she tells her about the astilbe in Radiant Garden and about her own decision to stop blaming herself and accept things for what they are. She tells her how seeing the astilbe helped resolve her mind; that she would wait for Sora because he's not gone, not entirely. Someday, he'll come back to them. And one that time comes, Kairi will welcome him with open arms.

The older woman extracted her arms from the teen's body and gave her a smile. Her eyes, the same blue as Sora's, are bright with tears.

"I'm very proud of you, Kairi. You were able to overcome your own hurdles. If my son was here, he would tell you the same thing."

Kairi grinned, wiping the tears out of her eyes. "Thank you."

* * *

Kairi was sitting on their favorite spot in the islet: the bent paopu tree. In her hand was a pot of astilbe. The phantom sits beside her, in Sora's usual spot.

"You don't have to watch over me anymore," Kairi starts, addressing the phantom. She looks at it, gives it a heartwarming smile. "You and I ate the paopu fruit here. That means we'll always be connected." The phantom's smile grew wider, as if agreeing with her. She continued.

"I promise you that I'll be okay and that I'll stop blaming myself for what happened. That's what you would want anyway. No more hiding. No more moping around. It's time I get back on track.

"And when I get sad and lonely, I'll just think of all the memories we shared together. So you better come back soon, okay? I'll be waiting for you. Just like this astilbe."

A tear manages to escape her eye as she smiles at the phantom. He smiles back, reaching out to touch her cheek. The sunset blinded her with light and when she was able to see again, the phantom was gone. Her grip on the pot tightens.

"I'll wait for you. No matter how long it takes. I'll always wait for you. That's a promise."

* * *

**A/N:** Not my best work. I'm under time pressure so it didn't come out the way I would have liked it to be. I hope you enjoyed it though!

-olympicmayhem


End file.
